The Dry-Mouthed Guppy

I love fishing.  As much as I love kissing.  But combining the two…when the fish is out of the water, gasping for water, at least it’s slightly moist.  At least, if I kissed that fish, there would be some sort of natural lubrication instead of an indian-burn on my lips.  Here’s a tip: chewing gum.  Get those saliva ducts functioning before leaning in.

The Lemon Pucker

C’mon.  Who kisses like that, anymore?  What was age-appropriate in kindergarten no longer applies now.  Two things:  it’s unpleasant to kiss unrepentant flesh.  It’s also a tad too reminiscent of another body part.  Do the math.

The Saliva Slaver

Even though I hate to admit it, fellas, I’m pretty sure the entire lower half of my face (including:  nose, nostrils, hair, underside of my chin) is not nearly that edible.  Having to wipe your lips discreetly after a wet kiss is one thing.  Taking a towel to a sopping face is something no girl under the tongue should do quietly.

The Uvula Yodel

We humans have a gag-factor for a reason.  There are many things that should never touch the darkest recesses of our mouths.  One of those is someone else’s tongue.  Making someone puke into their esophagus is not (despite what you may have been told) a turn-on.

The Vengeful Vampire

There’s playful, and there’s either I-hate-your-gender-spiteful or Mr. Insensitive (“Are you bleeding-?”).  Biting, nibbling, nipping all have their time and place.  But cannibalizing my lips, leaving lip-hickeys- it’s just wrong.  No matter how much I may like you.

Bingo!

Soft, sweet, insistent and to the point- building up to a semi-silent snog-fest of passion…a kiss like that- something that is gentle enough to shatter your senses- now that’s a kiss.  Un-wipe-able, un-wounded…unforgettable.